baggage

I've never moved. I've lived in the same house, the same town, the same (amazing wonderful awesome best) state all of my life. I was even born in my house. I live in the country. I love it. I love being here and I wouldn't trade my childhood spent here for anything else. I've been very blessed. I feel like that word is tossed around and taken very flippantly, but in all seriousness, I've been super blessed to live such a settled, comfortable life. Having to move is stressful.

I've helped people move. Lots of people. I really can't imagine uprooting myself time and time again. Some people have done it so many times, it feels normal to them. I have never done it, so I can't really imagine what it'd be like to put everything I owned into boxes and transporting it to any entirely different place. It's kind of an adventure, and I'm really excited for the day I get to move. I know it'll be stressful though. Some people just have so much stuff, it's crazy. For some people, moving is a time of accumulating more, and for others, a time of losing some of the unnecessary baggage. I feel like I'd be more likely to lose stuff-- get rid of a lot of the things I don't need. Carrying all of that stuff around can be very difficult. That's what it's important to have help.

I remember one particular time, my family went to help a friend move. It was the middle of summer, and pretty hot outside, so we were trying to hurry and get it done. I remember I had chosen something particularly heavy for some reason. I guess I thought I could carry it all the way. Anyhow, I remember I picked it up, and started to carry it into the house. I was doing pretty good the first several feet and then it dawned on me that I was about to drop this thing. I kind of panicked a little bit. I remember trying to get a better grip on it, but nope-- this item was about to hit the ground if I didn't do something about it. I remember my brother walking by at that moment, and in a frenzy, I just started yelling at him (not really yelling, but kind of frantically begging) "help me, help me, help me, I'm about to drop it!". He had something in his hands, and he responded frantically to me (seeing as how he already had his arms full and I was spazzing out at him) "I can't, I can't, my arms are full!"

Well. Needless to say, I was rescued by my brother-in-law, who came along beside me and helped me with it.
I remember distinctly though, the moment I realized I couldn't carry it by myself. I freaked out a little bit inside. I panicked. I don't usually panic but I did. Chaos ensued in my head. I also remember the sound of my brother's voice when he said "I can't!". It was a little devastating, seeing as how I was about to drop my friend's piece of furniture, haha. But nevertheless... it was something I didn't want to hear him say.

I feel the same way about my spiritual and emotional baggage. I'm a private person. There isn't a whole lot I tell people openly. But if you were to sit down and have a solid conversation with me, I'd become an open book. I'm okay with letting people know that I've got some major flaws, but they do not define me as a person. Jesus has swooped down and rescued me from many many terrible things in life, and I am forever praising Him because of His goodness to me.

I do have a lot of baggage. I carry regret in my pockets every day. There are some things I wish I'd never done, decisions that have emotionally and spiritually scarred me. Unfortunately, there are some people who have far more baggage than I do. I can't imagine how hard it is to have gone through something so emotionally damaging that you carry it around for the rest of your life. It's a sad reality for some people.
Some days though, I recall the memories and the pain, and it hurts, and it discourages me. It hurts so badly, because I can't take it back or redo it, and I just call out to God to help me. I feel like I'm chasing after him carrying this baggage, crying "help me, help me! I cannot take this!". And to me, the worst thing in the entire world would be him turning around, taking one look at me in my wretched state, and saying "I can't help you."

But I don't believe in a God who gives me the cold shoulder. I don't believe in a God who gives me the stink eye when he figures out I have issues. I don't believe in a God who judges any of my failures, past, present or future. I don't believe in a Father who sees me returning home, goes inside, and locks the door behind him. I don't believe in a God who holds my sin over my head, and brings it up every time I do something wrong. I don't believe in a God who pushes me away. I don't believe in a God who shames me.

Instead, I believe in a God who waits for me to return. A God who offers real, unconditional love to me. A God who desires fellowship with me when I don't even seek Him. A God who embraces me when I'm the dirtiest, most unclean sinner. A God who, when He sees me returning home, opens His arms and says "come here!". A God who gives me each and every new second, new day, new week, new month because He is gracious. A God who helps me-- really helps me-- when I don't feel like I deserve it. A God who sent His own Son to us, so that we would never have to be bound by our sin or our flaws. That's the God I believe in. He is righteous, He is jealous, He is good, He wants my attention. All of it always, no questions asked.

So I'm always going to strive to give Him all of my attention always. I fail Him time and time again, but righteousness is a pursuit that will not end in perfection until I sit with Jesus in heaven. I'm thankful He can handle all of my issues. All the issues of every ever created. I'm glad He never gets tired. I'm glad He is always open to me, open to my late night talks and problems and anger and frustration and joys and sorrow.

So life will get you down, and throw a lot of curve balls. Roll with the punches. Live with a positive attitude. Run towards God. Live with abandon, love others with all your might! That's just my advice though.

Till next time,

community

Community is vital. Fellowship with other people, especially those that are like-minded, is vital. Being with those you love and cherish is vital. It feeds the soul. It warms the heart. It is happiness. It is good.
Isolation is an enemy. Though it is necessary and useful at times, the results of constant isolation are bleak. Just from seeing people around me who voluntarily isolate themselves, I have come to the conclusion that it leads to a great lack of self confidence, it leads to anxiety, it leads to depression, among other things.

Community. Is. Vital.

I love being a part of something. I love being in a group of people and being able to talk and share. I love making people laugh. I love to be liked for my personality and my sense of humor. I love sarcasm. I love making jokes. I love serious conversation. I love good long chats. I love when people take me into their confidence. I love knowing everything about you, and you about me, and being friends despite it all.

I love community. I love it.

I know SO many awesome people, and I'm a part of a great group of people. My community is awesome. My city, my work, my church. I have hundreds of friends and a handful of best friends. I have friends living in different parts of the country and even in different countries. I have talented friends: nurses, EMTs, musicians, artists, dancers, business owners, bakers. I'm constantly blown away by the fact that God has put some seriously incredible people in my life. I'm really grateful for each and every person I've met and managed to stay friends with, haha. :) it's awesome. This life I live is amazing, and I really am a blessed person. That word is worn out and tossed around, but from the heart, I am a very, very blessed person.

It makes me sad sometimes though that I can't be around each and every person I love. I can't be involved in everyone's life, and that is really sad to me. My whole life revolves around people. My desire in life is to just know people and to be there for people. I want my entire life to be centered completely on other people and not on myself-- a great chore, seeing as how I'm human and self-centered. But it's something that can be accomplished. It requires dying to myself every single day, and realizing that, despite my imperfections, Christ can be perfected in my life. That's what I want-- that's the core of my calling in life.

If I could just send a general message to everyone who's life I've been able to touch, I'd say this : I desperately wish I could be in your life right at this moment. I wish I could have you over to my house, I wish I could make you food, I wish we could tell jokes, I wish I could photograph you, I wish I could give you stuff, I wish I could let you spend the night and stay up late being crazy, I wish I could show you around my city, I wish I could know the good, bad, and ugly about you.
God works in mysterious ways and I know for a fact that we met for a reason. I hope every time we get to talk or see each other, something awesome happens. And that each time is more awesome than last. :) And that I make you a happier person as a result of hanging out. That's all I want really. I just want to be used to make people happy, and to bring out the best in everyone.

I know life is busy, and I know that work is important, school is important, your calling is important. But don't forget to hang out with friends. Don't, and I mean DO NOT, forget to hug people. That's important. If you're by yourself on a Saturday night, and you have nothing to do, don't spend it alone. Grab someone you love-- go hiking. Go see a movie. Go skateboarding. Go to a karaoke bar. Go to a coffee shop. Go to a ball game. Just grab em and go, and I promise you won't regret it.

Community is important. Love on people.

Till next time,

streams of living water

When God is trying to get my attention, I have a hard time giving in and giving it to him. Usually it's for a stupid reason, like other people are around, or I'm afraid I'll cry, or I don't know what to say or how to respond. Sometimes, it's simply because I don't want him to have a say in my life, which is a sad, but honest, truth. However, I have absolutely zero excuses when it comes to listening to God and following his voice (the Holy Spirit). When it comes to God requiring or asking something of me, I better not hesitate. Firstly because there can be some painful consequences. Secondly, because when I listen to God, and give in to the Holy Spirit, I find freedom. There is absolute healing when I give in to him, and lean on him. I'm human, and I suffer with doubt, and I have fears-- one of them being pain. But I find whenever I give in to Jesus, I feel more peace, more joy, more fulfillment, more meaning than I've ever felt in my life. And I think that's what following Jesus is all about. It's about living in his freedom, living in the new life that he provided for us through his death, and accepting the forgiveness he offers to us daily, every day.

I will be the first to say that I'm a control freak when it comes to my life. I have found out recently that I'm really independent, I really like to make my own decisions. And sometimes, I just don't like the idea of God having control over my life. Lemme paint a picture of it :

I'm on an airplane (aka my life), sitting in first class. I absolutely hate the way that the plane is being flown, I can't stand the turbulence. So I get up and walk into the cockpit, and the pilot (being God) is there-- He's calm, composed, has a lot of peace. Nothing is wrong. No little noises or blinking lights. Everything looks good. But I tap him on the shoulder anyway, and I ask him to give up his seat for a little while, because I want to be the pilot for a little while. I even go so far as to swipe his hat off his head and cross my arms. SO-- he gets up, and he lets me have a seat, and I look over my shoulder as he leaves and say something like "have a good time in first class". And what do you know? I am doing pretty good for just beginning! Everything is all hunky dory, just like it was when the pilot was there. I KNEW I could do a better job-- man, the flight is so much smoother!
But whoops, I hit a patch of turbulence. This flight is getting a little rough. It smooths out, but I hear a beeping noise, and there's a red light flashing at me-- oh great. I don't know what that means. I can see some dark clouds coming in, and sooner than I expect, I'm trying to fly through a storm. The wind is absolutely knocking me out of control. And I'm trying, trying, trying to gain control of the plane, and I absolutely can't. More lights, more noise-- I start to panic, and I can easily tell the plane will go down at any moment. So I look back and I shout as loud as I can for the pilot. And he comes rushing in, and I throw myself out of his seat, and he starts to take control... and he does things I don't even know how to do, and pushes all these buttons and switches, and the ride starts to smooth out. There is still some turbulence, but the plane is in control. The flight is back to normal. The passenger is safe. And I sit, staring at this pilot in awe, and wondering how on earth he did that so easily. I keep waiting for him to turn to me and give me an "I told you so" look, but he doesn't. He stays focused. And when the storm is passed and the turbulence is gone, he asks me if I'm better now. And I am.

Now I don't know about you, but that's how my life is without Jesus. I absolutely need him-- and I need to let him lead. I need to follow his path for me. I need to have trust and have faith and believe in his promises. Jesus gives life and new chances. And whenever I give in to him, I receive new life and new chances.

I kind of consider myself a baby Christian still. I have known Jesus as my Savior for about 9 years now, but I'm not very "seasoned". I've been tested by trials and have failed Jesus so many times, more than I can remember, more than I want to remember. However, his constant grace in my life is so humbling. And somehow, he uses me in others lives when I don't feel loving or generous, or open, or willing. He uses me, and it is all a process. My heart is in constant student mode-- always learning. There is not a time when I am perfectly consistent, and I really get tired of "doing good" and faking that everything is alright. Even THEN, God uses me. And he works in me. And he gives me lots of grace. That's encouraging to me.

So no matter what you're going through, remember that God's ways are higher than yours. He's got a bigger, better purpose for you. It's bigger than any trial that you're going through, I promise. Give in to God, and let him work in you and always speak life into others. Always be open to God using you, because you never know how you can impact someone's life by doing so. Let God work and some crazy awesome things will happen!