change

I felt compelled to share some things I've learned this year that have really changed me as a person and what I believe. I am hoping that maybe it can encourage someone or maybe give perspective to someone else.

I started this year with a lot of expectations for myself; expectations that I couldn't possibly meet. I was overwhelmed, overbooked, and stressed out. My health, my emotions, my mind and my faith were badly affected. I was a newlywed (in March), and trying to divide my time between my friends, church, work, and my husband. I was trying to be an awesome wife, trying to be a strong, resilient Christian, trying to be a supportive friend, trying to be a caring daughter and sister, trying to be the person who was "always available" to anyone, at any time. I was trying to DO and BE so much because I thought it would be fulfilling. And quite honestly, it completely exhausted me, stressed me out, and wore me down to the bone. The worst part of it was that, by trying to take on so much to be filled up, I was completely emptying myself and neglecting my faith, my values, and the things that should have been most important to me. I struggled a LOT through the beginning of last year and into the new year. I was sad, forgetful, and negative. I was unhealthy, and I was forgetful.

I remember one night, Mark and I were talking, and I was crying and telling him how I was so tired of being sick and tired of forgetting things. He said "Hannah, I think the reason you forget is because you tell yourself you're going to forget. You've been living life for so long as 'Hannah the forgetful girl' that you haven't even tried to remember." He was right. That really started this new season of growth for me. I was so busy, so stressed out, trying so hard to help everyone and fix everything that I told myself that I didn't matter, and that I wasn't valuable. I told myself I'd forget because I wasn't trying to make myself better. That stirred this desire in me to take control of my life, my health, and my heart, for the sake of my husband, our marriage, and myself.

And man, my life has changed a lot since I started making those decisions. There's always a good amount of pain that comes with growth. I've also always been a people pleaser, which is a dangerous thing to be. I've missed out on some good opportunities in life because I've been afraid of displeasing others, and I can tell ya now, IT SUCKS to live like that. Some of the lessons I've learned are:

It's okay to not be friends with everyone. I didn't really believe "quality over quantity" till this year. But I'd say, almost more than anything, I've learned that some friendships need to be left in the past to achieve growth and fresh perspective. Some friendships aren't meant to last forever. Some friendships I am not meant to change and help, but they are meant to change and help me. It has become more and more obvious to me that having a few quality friends is far more important than having dozens of friendships that weren't meant for depth, vulnerability, or change. And that is a good thing and a healthy thing.
It is important to be the same, genuine person at all times. I used to be the kind of person who changed for each person I was with. That isn't always a bad thing. But I was realized that I was not only changing my thoughts and opinions to match that of others (because I didn't want anyone to be displeased with my GENUINE THOUGHTS, for heavens sake), I was trying to be different out of lack of confidence. This was a great lesson for me to learn, and I've only learned recently. I don't have to be this hyper, energy packed, crazy outgoing person for everyone, because I am not that person on the inside! I am not who I was.
The schedule doesn't have to be full, and it's okay to say no. Being married has been a fantastic adventure. I love Mark, I love our home and our dog. But man, I was so in the swing of scheduling time with family, church, friends, etc. I was saying yes to every single thing that someone asked me to do, and I was being pulled a zillion different directions and that was so awful! I remember I asked Mark one day, recently, "Do you feel like we spend enough intentional time together?". He said no, which were my thoughts exactly. That had to change, and it was a good change we made. We are both less stressed, and happier to spend time together.

There's several more examples of things I could write; this is just some of them. It is absolutely impossible for me to focus on the truly important things in life when I am overwhelmed and bogged down by busyness. Busyness and productivity ARE NOT THE SAME.
God's grace is enough in every one of my seasons; it has been, is now, and will continue to be. And those who love me and treasure our friendship will be understanding of the calling on my life, and I on theirs. And I want to say thank you to those of you who've been patient, wise and helpful as I am transitioning into the role of a wife. I am growing and changing constantly to be a strong lady. And learning to embrace the change along the way. For my faith, for my husband, for others.
Thanks for listening.